FBI hunts suspect accused of enticing people to read fiction
Short stories, novels
MAR 29, 2024
∙ PAID
He calls himself John Z. He’s the subject of an intense manhunt.
The FBI has just found a Manifesto the suspect posted on Gab:
“There is an undiscovered part of the mind that doesn’t process data like a machine. It is profoundly affected by works of fiction, which changes attitudes and points of view and emotions and vital decisions…”
The Dept. of Homeland Security has called the Manifesto “subversive in the extreme.” The American Book Sellers Association has issued a formal complaint against John Z, alleging he is perverting children’s thoughts.
Well-known television psychiatrist, Dr. Michael Flip, analyzes John Z: “He’s probably in his 30s, has heavy eyebrows, and wears clunky shoes or high-top sneakers. He is certainly suffering from classic paranoia with schizoid tendencies. I would say he is quite dangerous. If spotted, do not approach. Call the American Psychiatric Association…”
A group of plagiarizing Harvard scholars has issued the following statement: “It was once fashionable to read writers like Dostoevsky, Hesse, Tolstoy, Fitzgerald, Hemingway. They wrote novels. But now we know DATA are and should be the subject of all literary inquiry. Truth, not fiction, is our goal. Novels are a sheer waste of time. They can injure the brain. Furthermore, as we gain the ability to download huge amounts of FACT into the brain through the Great Merge of neurons and computers, fiction will go the way of the horse-drawn buggy. Who needs fantasy when we have access to reality?”
UPDATE: Chief of Homeland Security, Alejandro Mayorkas, has just consummated a deal with the Mexican Portillo Cartel. The Cartel is offering a reward of seven million dollars for information leading to the arrest of John Z.
Mayorkas:
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