My letter to George Soros
MAY 31, 2024
∙ PAID
Dear George,
First of all, I want to thank you for transforming the US legal system. Your work in the area has been nothing short of amazing.
I’m writing because, as a man interested in sports, I want to compete against girls in track and field events and take showers with them in their locker rooms.
I was hoping you could suggest cities or towns in the US where I could escape prosecution.
If this is out of your area of expertise or interest, I apologize. However, I thought you might give me special consideration, because over the past eight years I’ve racked up a dozen charges of assault. I’ve walked—and no further action was taken on any of those cases.
I’m a poster boy for your heroic efforts.
In 2012, I came to the US from Mexico, via the Texas border. At this point, all my US government prepaid credit cards have run out of funds, and I suspect my Welfare payments and housing accommodations are on the chopping block.
I was assured these benefits would last for the rest of my life.
It’s possible the US government is aligned against me, because one of my assault charges stemmed from an incident on Martha’s Vineyard, where I was vacationing with friends a couple of years ago. We broke into the home of an elite hedge fund manager, tied him up, and reparated valuable antiques from his private collection—in return for America’s victory in the US-Mexican War of 1848.
Could you lend me $50,000 to tide me over, while I look for new opportunities?
The rape charge in Chicago has just been dismissed. I believe one of your prosecutors was responsible for the adept handling of the case. Since I’m a free man because of you, I thought you could help me make something out of that freedom with a loan.
This post is for paid subscribers
Subscribe